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A ridiculous morning.

Posted on: September 28, 2011

As the title suggests, I had a ridiculous morning today.

I got ready, as usual. I said goodbye to my other half, as usual. Had my breakfast, packed up my bags and headed for the front door.

HORROR! The biggest, ugliest, meanest looking spider you have ever seen was next to my front door. Not just next to my front door but wedged in the gap between the wall and the door-opening-thingy. You know the one, you pull down the lever and the door opens – next to that thing. Only, it wasn’t wedged in a subtle way, it was half-in-half-out due to the sheer size of the bloody thing. It’s legs reached above the door-opening-thingy (must work out what that’s called – a latch? No, it’s the thing that the latch is on – anyway…) and it was sat there, looking at me, daring me to be brave enough to put my hand within 3 centimetres of it in order to get out.

Did I? Did I heck! I ran, silenced by fear to the bottom of the stairs (now about 8 foot from the door) and stood, panting. So, what to do now then? I have three bags and a set of keys. In order to get out, it needs to be one swift movement – in the porch, grab the latch thingy, open the door and jump out the door before the spider can kill me.

I spent about five minutes trying to figure out how that might work and then called my dad. I told him I was trapped in the house. He suggested I SPRAY the bloody spider so it moved. MOVED!! As if I’m going to do that. It’s bad enough I can see it, if it freakin’ moves, I’ll have a heart attack.

So, I grab a long umbrella and try reaching in to use the end of the umbrella to move the latch down. My plan was that I would unlatch the door and then use the curved handle of the umbrella to pull the door open, thus allowing me to grab my three bags and launch myself out of the door and into the safety of my front garden.

That didn’t work either.

I managed to pull the latch down a little but then it bounced back, made a loud bang and the spider moved! MOVED! So I screamed and ran into the kitchen. I then rang my other half (yes, I’m sure it says something about me that I call my dad before my other half but that’s a different story). He just laughed and said that I’d cheered him up and he hopes I get to work eventually. No help whatsoever.

I decide I’m brave enough to try Dad’s spraying trick. I get the only spraying contraption I have and walk towards the porch. I bravely spray. It doesn’t even reach the spider as I’m nowhere near close enough. I then realise that this particular spray has washing up liquid in it (for trying to de-bug my sweetpeas early in the month) and then I’m worried that I’m going to fall flat on my arse when trying to launch out the door as I’ve only served to make my floor slippy. So I stop that for health and safety reasons.

Twenty five minutes has passed by this time and I’m now late leaving for work. So, eventually, I muster the strength and bravery to reach to the latch and open the door with my hand all the time repeating my mantra out loud to the spider “please don’t move. please don’t move. please don’t move”. The little b*stard moved. But I managed to open the door! Yay me!

I also ran back into the house.

I waited a couple of minutes to ensure there was no more movement from Mr Spider, gathered my three bags and jumped out of the house. Only to notice that the man opposite, who had been busy filling his skip had stopped to watch my weird opening-the-door antics, and who was now looking at me like I was mental.

So, I smiled, said good morning and got in the car.

What a start to the day!

Bx

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5 Responses to "A ridiculous morning."

Oh my goodness what a start to your day. I used to feel like you about spiders but am now more comfortable around them, but, I hasten to add, not the massive ones that look like they could beat you in a race or corner you and scare you to death. Hope the day improved after that. x

It did get better, thank you, Anne. What a start though. My boss suggests I get some help!! I think she might be right!! x

Are you sure he didn’t climb in your house after you shut the door?! Eeeeeks!

He was already in my house! Worse still, we couldn’t find him when we got home!! It’s the problem with living in an old house. I had to convince myself he’d disappeared out of the house just so I could sleep! Eeeeeeeeeeks indeed!!!

Oh goodness,I probably would’ve bought a new house! Spiders are sooo disgusting, I can’t even look at pictures of them in books! Uggh! I hope the rest of the day was ok for you though. xx

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